When I look at her I fear what the rest of my life holds. She is attractive, generous, and easy going: I have to imagine she is single by choice. She confessed to me that she is lonely all the time, especially since her parents died, but added she prefers to be alone. Never married, never partnered, no kids, and maybe a lesbian, but it's never come up. I met a new colleague recently who is in her mid-50s. Now I wonder if I'm lying to myself, and if, at heart, I crave a partner. I would be remiss if I didn't add I have a lot of "issues": I can be needy, I have bipolar disorder, and the brief relationships I did have in my 20s ended badly. I have tried to dissect and analyze my true motivations, and I'm always torn between two explanations for my single-hood: I'm either 1) genuinely solitary and happier alone or 2) somehow unable or unwilling to make the necessary interpersonal sacrifices needed to sustain a long-term romantic attachment. I'm in my late 30s now and very much set in my ways. I could have sex regularly if I wanted (although COVID has made me celibate for various reasons), but since my 20s I knew deep down that a life partner was not in the cards for me. I have no aspirations for a long-term, let alone lifetime, commitment to another person.
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